Good Afternoon my lovelies,
It's been a while! Safe to say things are a little different!
I'm currently writing this post on my lunch break in my office/bedroom where
I've been working for almost a year! Good old Coronavirus.
In terms of my vaginismus, it feels like everything and nothing has changed.
I very much still have it; it is still a factor in my life and it's still an
area of my sex life that I haven't quite managed to access yet. But it is no
longer a factor in my worth as a person, woman or partner and that, is a
glorious feeling.
A huge part of my shift in mindset, has been meeting some incredible people
through the vaginismus network. I've had the honour of sharing my story at a
few events now and I am always so incredibly humbled and amazed at the amount
of incredible, successful and amazing people. To say they continually strengthen
and support me is an understatement, it is a truly bad ass community. So, thank
you all!
As for my continuing vaginismus journey, over the last few months pleasure
has been my purpose. Since dating is very much a no-go in this current Covid
climate, I've been strengthening my relationship with myself and my body. I've
got to tell you it's been an emotional, sometimes uncomfortable, but overall
delicious experience.
This break from dating has allowed me to come to terms with something that
feels kind of crazy as a 31-year-old woman, I honestly had no clue before what
I genuinely liked in bed. My focus was so much on pleasing my partner that I
never took the time to work out what I liked or wanted! So, with no sexual
partner but me in sight, I decided to set about answering that question.
Discovering that I have a sensual erotic blueprint (meaning I am aroused by sensation:
touch, smell, taste etc) really shouldn't have been a shock to me. I found that
my fantasies tended to revolve around elements of bondage, temperature play,
and being teased. Thinking back, the most fun and relaxed I'd ever been during
a sexual encounter when time was taken, and my entire body was engaged. I found
that it seeped into my non-sexual life as well! I love my room to smell amazing,
I adore candlelight and I don't know if it's the same for others with this
blueprint but textures and what touches my skin are very important - silk
everything anyone?
My top love languages are also Physical Touch and Word of Affirmation (makes
perfect sense right!?) So, I decided to try and work out ways I could give
myself all the things I needed to make the relationship with myself the
strongest it could be. I bought a soft faux fur cushion and throw for my bed,
and I wear silk PJ's. I invested in gorgeous smelling wax melts and candles
and I treated myself to good lubricant. Soon my scheduled dilating time became
not so much a chore but more like a date with myself (I also invested in some
new sex toys...all work and no play makes Jenny a dull girl).
I also decided to give myself all the compliments I missed getting
from a partner! When I first heard this suggestion I'll admit I was skeptical, didn't that seem a bit desperate? However, I now have a post-it note that I look at every morning which reads
"Hi Gorgeous!" and as ridiculous as it sounds, it never fails to make
me smile when I look at it.
My therapist said a line the other day that really stuck with me:
"Foreplay begins when the last orgasm ends." No, it's not an ode to
our ability to have multiple orgasms, it means that 90% of the foreplay is in
your head. The more you feel safe and respected in a relationship, the better
you will feel and the more pleasure you will experience. Including in our relationship with ourselves!
So, this is my invitation to you my lovelies. Romance yourself. Give
yourself all the things you would like a partner to give you. Buy your own damn
flowers, treat yourself to sex toys, buy yourself the silk pyjamas and make
yourself feel like the radiant being you truly are.
Vaginismus or not, pleasure is your god damn birth right.
Till next time,
Jenny x
P.S. If you would like to find out your own erotic blueprint and love
language check these out (I'm a sucker for an online quiz):
https://www.tonyrobbins.com/love-relationships/pleasure/
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
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