Hello Lovelies!
Hope everyone's year is off to a fantastic start!
Today I thought I'd share some thoughts with you on something I've been working hard on for the past little while - and that is self perception.
The reason I've been kind of inspired to write about this particular subject this week, is that I had a little epiphany on it the other day. As anyone who fallows me on my Instagram "not_my_vaginsismus," will know, I put up a post recently where I was feeling really good. I'd gone to see my specialist doctor and reported that I was getting a bit further with my exercises and she told me she was pleased with my progress. My endometriosis flare up that had been bothering me over the new year period had finally started to die down and I was feeling pretty damn good about myself!
So I decided I was going to throw myself at the exercises, change things up a bit and try and be a little braver about it. Bolstered by my recent success I gave it a go...and found I couldn't get any further than before. I was so frustrated.
Almost immediately I was flooded with negative thoughts : I'm never going to be able to do this, This is going to take me years, nobody is going to want me and I'm going to be single forever because of this...and then I stopped. I thought :"Think about what you are saying to yourself."
What was I actually telling myself, and by extension the world, If I said to myself " Nobody is ever going to want me if I cant have penetrative sex." In reality, I was saying that I only see myself as a hole to be penetrated. That I had no other worth in all the world and can bring nothing else to a relationship other than being a hole. Was that right? Was that honestly what I thought of myself?
It used to be. I genuinely used to think that I could never be loved fully because of my inability to have penetrative sex. Not only did I believe this, but I put it out there into the world. A cycle of negative thinking that seeped into every relationship and every thought I ever had. I didn't want to dress provocatively or feel sexy because what was the point? I put up with behaviours in relationships because I felt I should be lucky that anyone wanted to be with me in the first place.
Negative attracts negative. Things got worse and I felt terrible. However, once I started working on myself these things started to change.
I started to see the good things about myself, in fact I started to make a list. Every time someone said something complimentary to me or about me I wrote them down. Then I recorded the list on my phone and now, when I'm feeling bad I listen to it. It reminds me that I am so much more than a hole. I am a friend, a sister, a daughter, comforting, funny, motivational, spiritual...I am so many fucking things its incredible and so is everyone! It's just so difficult to see sometimes.
I decided that I was never going to forget all the amazing things about me that makes me " me" ever again. I also decided that I was never going to allow anyone to make me feel like less than that - and that's where self love comes in. The one thing in this world that we can control is how we feel.
Different circumstances will happen around us every day, but the way we choose to react to them is the power we have. Our happiness should be our number one priority in life, and nobody should have the power to take that from us. It's been a hard lesson, but over the past year I've learned that the only way other people have power over us is if we hand it to them.
So for any of you struggling with you're recovery, or hitting a wall, or just feeling plane bad about yourself. Make your happiness a priority today, remember all the amazing things that make you so perfectly unique in this world. This condition will not define you unless you let it.
I am not my vaginismus.
Till next time,
Jenny xox
Hope everyone's year is off to a fantastic start!
Today I thought I'd share some thoughts with you on something I've been working hard on for the past little while - and that is self perception.
The reason I've been kind of inspired to write about this particular subject this week, is that I had a little epiphany on it the other day. As anyone who fallows me on my Instagram "not_my_vaginsismus," will know, I put up a post recently where I was feeling really good. I'd gone to see my specialist doctor and reported that I was getting a bit further with my exercises and she told me she was pleased with my progress. My endometriosis flare up that had been bothering me over the new year period had finally started to die down and I was feeling pretty damn good about myself!
So I decided I was going to throw myself at the exercises, change things up a bit and try and be a little braver about it. Bolstered by my recent success I gave it a go...and found I couldn't get any further than before. I was so frustrated.
Almost immediately I was flooded with negative thoughts : I'm never going to be able to do this, This is going to take me years, nobody is going to want me and I'm going to be single forever because of this...and then I stopped. I thought :"Think about what you are saying to yourself."
What was I actually telling myself, and by extension the world, If I said to myself " Nobody is ever going to want me if I cant have penetrative sex." In reality, I was saying that I only see myself as a hole to be penetrated. That I had no other worth in all the world and can bring nothing else to a relationship other than being a hole. Was that right? Was that honestly what I thought of myself?
It used to be. I genuinely used to think that I could never be loved fully because of my inability to have penetrative sex. Not only did I believe this, but I put it out there into the world. A cycle of negative thinking that seeped into every relationship and every thought I ever had. I didn't want to dress provocatively or feel sexy because what was the point? I put up with behaviours in relationships because I felt I should be lucky that anyone wanted to be with me in the first place.
Negative attracts negative. Things got worse and I felt terrible. However, once I started working on myself these things started to change.
I started to see the good things about myself, in fact I started to make a list. Every time someone said something complimentary to me or about me I wrote them down. Then I recorded the list on my phone and now, when I'm feeling bad I listen to it. It reminds me that I am so much more than a hole. I am a friend, a sister, a daughter, comforting, funny, motivational, spiritual...I am so many fucking things its incredible and so is everyone! It's just so difficult to see sometimes.
I decided that I was never going to forget all the amazing things about me that makes me " me" ever again. I also decided that I was never going to allow anyone to make me feel like less than that - and that's where self love comes in. The one thing in this world that we can control is how we feel.
Different circumstances will happen around us every day, but the way we choose to react to them is the power we have. Our happiness should be our number one priority in life, and nobody should have the power to take that from us. It's been a hard lesson, but over the past year I've learned that the only way other people have power over us is if we hand it to them.
So for any of you struggling with you're recovery, or hitting a wall, or just feeling plane bad about yourself. Make your happiness a priority today, remember all the amazing things that make you so perfectly unique in this world. This condition will not define you unless you let it.
I am not my vaginismus.
Till next time,
Jenny xox
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