Breaking the Silence

The night I found out my fiancé was messaging another woman (four weeks before our wedding) I was distraught. As I scrolled through the messages of him explaining to her that he wasn't getting any and her hoping that he would be getting some soon, the shame burned like a fire in my chest.

He told her " it's complicated :("  and she consoled him. The flirting became worse and it was obvious what they both wanted from each other. I had never felt so worthless in all my life. So when I found the messages and confronted him he said he needed sex, and that messaging her had made him feel like more of a man. I was so heartbroken and angry. Despite his pleas I knew I couldn't stay after that...I knew I was on the clock. Perform or I'll find someone who will.

After I had left, I didn't tell anyone the truth about why we had split because I was terrified of what people would think. I told people the gist of it, I told them that he had disclosed personal information about me and was flirting with another woman, but I never mentioned vaginismus. This was for a number of reasons, but one of the main reasons was that I thought it might vindicate him. I imagined people saying that if the poor guy hadn't had penetrative sex for ten years surely he deserved a medal for sticking it out as long as he did. I felt useless and unlovable, and the thought of people knowing just how fucked up I was, was unbearable to me.

In the weeks that followed I would often find myself imagining them laughing at me when he finally spilled about why he was so sexually frustrated. I imagined the cries of "oh you poor thing," and " why would you stay with someone who cant have sex?!" I didn't want to tell our mutual friends who had been so, so supportive of me in case they suddenly felt he was justified.

But time passed, and I realised that the longer I was quiet about this, the more of a weapon it was against me. If I owned my truth instead of hiding it away, there would be no secrets to attack as it would be all out in the open anyway. So, slowly, I began to open. I started by telling my closest friends, then the not so close. I made my way back to the psycho sexual therapist and began talking seriously about recovery, I created my other Instagram account ( not_my_vaginismus) and started posting and following women with the same issues. I typed a revealing post about the condition and how I was feeling on a private group on Facebook and the supportive response I received was overwhelming. It bolstered my strength and confidence and I became bolder.

Obviously, I had to tell people I was dating about the condition, but not a single person has told me "sorry, I don't think I can do this." Now I may have just been extremely lucky with the guys I met, or maybe its just that I'm a bit more than a hole to stick a dick in and they were attracted to me for other reasons? Yet another chronic single life fear busted!

The main problem with vaginismus in my opinion, is that no one has heard of it. I hadn't heard of it myself until I was in my late 20's and its very possible that had I heard about it before that I might have made more progress. But I am where I am, and maybe I can use this platform to spread more of an awareness so that more young girls can spot the symptoms and we can start having a talk about this other aspect of body shaming.

For women today, it is becoming more acceptable to not only talk about our sex life more openly, but to expect more from it too. We shouldn't have to live in shame of personal preference or what we can or cant do with a sexual partner. We should be able to talk openly if we want to about any problems we have and medical professionals should be trained properly on how to handle things if someone comes to them with a problem.

I know, from the many reddit posts and blogs I've read about this condition, that the feeling of worthlessness I experienced is not uncommon. There are so many intelligent, beautiful, loving women who are tearing themselves to pieces because their bodies are not performing the way society expects them to. It's awful, completely unjustified, and it needs to stop.

Vaginismus is a very treatable condition once you have found the right path to recovery for yourself. Research suggests that there is an over 90% success rate and for those wishing to be able to have penetrative sex with their partner it is something that can be achieved with time, work, patience and love for yourself.  It should NOT however, be expected, and you should NOT be made to feel like less of a woman for not being able to perform the way someone expects you to.

I realise this post might sound like a bit of a ramble, but what I want you to take away from this (and what I am still trying to remind myself on a daily basis) is love yourself first. Exactly as you are, vaginismus and all. If you want to work up to having penetrative sex that is great! If you decide that its not something you are interested in that is great too! Do this for your own reasons and for yourself! No one else! It is nothing to be ashamed of, and we should not have to hide in shame and silence.

Personally, I am working up to making my profile more public. I'm hoping to someday get up the courage to advertise my " not_my_vaginismus " Instagram handle on my main one and maybe share this blog with more people too. Even if all I do is get more people to google what exactly vaginismus is it would be something!!

In the meantime my lovlies, look after yourself. Be strong. Let no one make you feel that you are anything less than fantastic!